[01.] Pressing the hard reset.

If you’re a regular movie-goer like me, you will find scenes in lots of action movies and the likes where the protagonist is bargaining with the anti-hero (preferably the opposite sex, romance is a possibility), with something in exchange. Heavily referencing to a specific scene of Bruce Wayne offering Selina Kyle a ‘Clean Slate’ program, starting fresh seems too good to be true. However, isn’t that what we’ve been crediting for New Year?

As skeptical as I am, I’d like to give myself a chance. This isn’t some epiphany that occurred to me right on the first of January year 2017 [cliches aren’t my cup of tea, anyway]. There was this time when I felt a pang of regret in my chest when I knew that’s something is wrong with my body and I have to live with it forever. Nothing serious, but it’s serious enough to pose itself as a wake-up call. I mean, why do I kept disrespecting myself even though I knew I was slowly destroying myself? I wasn’t alcoholic, but I’d give in to any booze available on the table. I wasn’t depressed, but I locked in all my anxieties in a little box until it went ka-boom. I wasn’t eating sloppily, but I kept away the good stuff from my diet, knowing that I rely heavily on those.

Therefore, I’m pressing the hard reset. Following the decision to restart your life, these are the things you can do while you’re at it:

  • Set Priorities

Start to reorganize your priorities for the year as the first step to sorting out your messy life (or if your life isn’t messy, good for you, I’m proud of you, I want to be you). I drew a mindmap to help me determine the areas of my life that need my focus. As for now, my priority is my well-being, positive people in my life followed by academics.

mindmapCreated using GoConqr

  • Find Your Muse

[Definition of muse]. Getting my life back together needs a huge motivation. I couldn’t count how many I’ve lost the fire in writing, dancing or even simply creating arts. I look up to Cassey Ho’s blog and Anna Akana’s (hard-core) inspirational videos. They give me a positive vibe all day long. They are my ultimate muse. Anyone can be your muse, though. Starting from your parents, friends, teachers, whoever (as long as they inspire you to do GOOD and better).

  • Know Your Passion Do What You Love

Honestly, the word “passion” itself is overused in many self-motivational books or articles I’ve read (maybe I’ve been reading the wrong books & articles, I don’t know). Every time I come across the word passion, I feel intimidated immediately. I couldn’t make out my “passion”. Therefore, I choose a simpler term: love. “Do what you love” sounds straightforward and natural, nothing too over the top. For example, I’ve always loved dancing. Am I good at it? I don’t know, who cares, I always feel in utter euphoria whenever I dance. Always spare time to do what you love every day, thus every night I would dance alone in my room (because I’m too embarrassed to dance public, though I had danced for a competition and university events before). To ante up my game, I occasionally go to arcades and play Danz Base (to be fair, their moves are capital h-a-r-d). Why? Just to know if I had the b*lls to dance in public, I’d say. Then maybe I would try posting my dance moves, which leads to another point…

  • Share What You Love Doing

It was an instant love when a friend of mine lend me “Steal Like an Artist” by Austin Kleon. I was immersed in its content and I think it got me energized for the whole day. Don’t expect it to be deep; it was just simple and spot-on, exactly what I needed. That aside, it encourages you to share your work, no matter how bad it is. The point is to reach out to your audience and get as many feedback as possible, which will help you in getting to know what you can improve on next time. Even if it’s only one person who commented on your work, he/she showed that they’ve seen your work. If you don’t want any feedback, man, I don’t know what to say, you’ll never learn anything that way.

On a side note, to the guy who lends me the book, if you’re reading this I’m sorry I haven’t given your book back for a year. Soon, I..promise.

  • Set Your Limits, Let Yourself Progress

Lastly, knowing realistically how far you’d go as you progress to reach your goals. It’s awesome to have big goals, but should you…Suddenly going to a 10k marathon without a weekly 2k-5k exercise? Big no. Tried that, didn’t work. So, be realistic. Be kind to yourself. Track your progress because it will make you feel determined as you reach your goal.

Pressing the hard reset seems easier said than done. Inspired by Amber Scholl’s recent video and her powerful quote:

“What if it doesn’t come true?

Ah, but what if it does.”

[syarochan has logged out]

Hi,

I wrote this in January 2017 but didn’t find the right time to post. One year of absence seems like I’ve forgotten about this blog. Truth is, I haven’t been able to write down anything. I poured all my energy to my academics, family, and close relationships.

Let’s have a little catch-up:

  • Finished my final project and got my bachelor’s degree.
  • Adopted a black Persian cat. She’s adorable.
  • Had my hair cut.
  • Got together with my high school sweetheart.
  • Discovered Amber Scholl on Youtube.
  • Subscribed to Girls’ Night In and I’ve never been so chill.

A lot of things have happened during my final year as a student. It brought the worst side of me and I lost some of the good people in the process. However, I’ve received tremendous support from my family and my good friends, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

To my wonderful support system, thank you for being a part of my uni life.

xx

Photo credit: Alexandre Godreau

Nineteenth Page – The daily routine of a Type A personality.

I am proudly a Type A personality, who’s with me?

Inspired by Buzzfeed’s video, I’d like to share my daily routine as a person with a Type A personality.

1. Waking up at 5 to 6 am
Rise and shine! The sun peeks through the curtain of my window and decides to sprinkle a little bit of light on my face, followed by a relentless beeping of my alarm.

2. Turning up my morning jam
Nothing can ruin a good morning when you have a good beat. An upbeat song like Her by Block-B, a South Korean boy band with a spunky attitude will kick start your day.

3. A hot shower. Just because.
(Not to mention I have a sinus and pretty allergic to cold temperatures. A cold shower is a big NO)

4. Browsing my outfit.
I plan my tomorrow’s outfit during the night, which I think it reduces the browsing time in my drawers. Thank you, planner!

5. Cleaning up my room.
This may come off pretty weird to you, but I tend to purposely mess my room the night before so then I can organize them back in the morning. Why? Because I feel relaxed whenever I’m cleaning or putting away stuff in my room.

p.s. My room is now super messy and it demotivates me from doing work. Plus, I don’t have time to declutter everything. This is code red.

6. Ritual skincare.
If you’re someone who lives in a tropical country with a blazing hot sun torching your epidermis, then you should never leave your house without putting any sun block. EVER. Plus, I could never go out of my room (or my house) without dabbing a bit of concealer and brushing my skin with a face powder. I feel naked in a weird way. You know what I mean.

7. When in doubts, have a brunch. 
This is not exactly a good advice since you ought to eat breakfast as a source of energy. Brunch helps satisfy my morning hunger and save my lunch money (ka-ching).

8. Check my progress.
At the end of the day, you want to know how you progress in life (or in academics, or… you know, anything). I used to use Google Calendar since it’s versatile and sync through all of my devices. Now, I only use my mental notes. (This never works, so always use your personal planner or organizer. If you’re a tech-savvy, Sol Calendar and Google Calendar is your main.)

So, am I qualified enough to be a Type A personality? Oh, and I’m also an ENFP.

[syarochan has logged off]

Hi, so this is one of my unfinished drafts that I decided to complete. This is something light to read and I hope this doesn’t discourage you to keep reading!

Photo by: Alex Wong

Eighteenth Page – A Confession

This isn’t a part of my planned posts, but I have to get it out of my chest. If I had to share what I have been through for the past few months, the truth is, I’m currently battling my nemesis: myself. Little did I know, the little black box called “anxiety” grew stronger ever since I stopped voicing out my thoughts. One thing that’s toxic about this unfortunate condition is that the more you hold it in, the more it consumes you from within. That’s the equation, and that’s my huge mistake.

It’s work after work, stress after stress, and another sleepless night after one another. Every single component piled up into a mountain, which was on its tipping point and might explode in no time. The back of my head whispered, “Stay strong. Do not tell a single soul.” So, I did. So, I exploded without warning.

I cried in front of my close friend, who had never seen me shed a single tear before. I cried for hours in someone’s arms, someone I truly trust but mistakenly distanced myself from him for a while. It wasn’t exactly the prettiest moment, but now I am aware that I need to borrow a hand for now.

Next time I won’t disappear without notice.

Just like how my best friend told me (and now written on a paper as a reminder) that mental health is just as important.

[syarochan has logged off with peace on her mind]

 

All this uni work took a toll on me. Enough said.

Photo credit: Ybrayym Esenov

 

Seventeenth Page – Going steady with my phone.

I finally learned about the virtues of communication. All it took was for me to study in Sydney. Aside from adopting the Australian vocabs to my everyday conversation, I also found something pretty interesting about myself (and others). It wasn’t long after settling down with my social group within a month that I realized that I had sort of an unhealthy addiction. Yes, I am addicted to my phone.

I might have checked my phone more than 10 times a day for new messages, new likes and new comments on social medias. Everybody is doing it, I thought to myself. But, it got to the point when I felt annoyed by my own habit. There was that time where my friend nudged me while we’re on the bus saying “Here she is, being anti-social again” as I  was browsing through my friend’s Instagram posts. To be frank, I was more inclined to socializing with friends from my home country. It seemed back then I hadn’t completely moved on from home. If you’ve heard the term ‘FOMO’ or fear of missing out, you’ll know what I mean.

Some of my friends were able to live without a lot of social media apps installed on their phones. One example, a former colleague from a firm I was interning for does not see the point of having Instagram and Snapchat. And there she is, alive and well with a good career. I felt bad for ridiculing my friend for not joining the bandwagon of Dog Filters and silly snaps. Everyone has the liberty of using or not using a certain app, don’t they?

The next month, I started to put away my phone and focused on reading books whenever I I was in my room. Let me be real with you, it was extremely hard to resist myself from grabbing the phone and getting lost in its apps. The temptation recurred every once in a while, but I managed to decrease the frequency, which was good. Another thing that I did was to prioritize the existing relationships that I have. Your friends within the existing location matter as much as those who are from your home country.

My habit of mirroring people also surfaced. So, when you decide to converse with me without checking your phone one bit: you’ve got my full attention. I’ve gotta thank my Foodies group for being so immensely absorbed in our conversation. They were so intense I even forgot to check my phone all the time.

And therefore, disconnecting yourself from social networks is sometimes the best idea to unwind yourself. Give yourself a break, take a breather, and just connect with people around you.

And oh, I stopped using Path. Byebye relentless updates.

Look at all the drafts I left hanging. I’m having a writer’s block and desperately in need to unwind myself.

Anyone wants to go on a journey with me and forget about the world? Kidding. Stay in school, guys.

Picture by: Tim Stief on Unsplash.

Sixteenth Page – If you’re broken, there’s a chance I’m already attracted to you.

There is something undeniably attractive about people who had been through a lot. You’d tell me that you were hurt by your loved ones. You said you made bad choices. It’s an overflowing desire to get closer, closer and closer to you. No matter how dangerous you seemed to me, I just want to know you more than meets the eyes.

You are the kind of person that my peers warned me about. They said you’re nothing but a burden. But I know how heavy the weight of the world for you to carry alone. The thing is, I don’t intend to go anywhere. Because the moment we exchanged eye contact, I know I wouldn’t be able to run into the opposite direction.

You’ve taught me that the world isn’t as nice as I grew up believing in. Phonies, you called them. I smiled with absolute curiosity. I wondered what you’ve been through; the memories that shaped you in the way you are now.

You showed me that…

Broken people are tough.

Broken people are full of wisdom.

Broken people are not worthy of affection.

Didn’t you notice how your fences crumble every moment we spent together? Oh, how visible your flaws were to me, no matter how hard you tried to cover up the cracks.

Then the vicious cycle would continue. You would push me away. You’ll hate me, you begged. You would rather spend your time alone. It felt like you’ve rehearsed this before. You’d expect me to leave you like everybody else. But I wasn’t like everybody else.

I didn’t pity you when you decided to weep on my shoulder. The warm feeling came in contact with my skin. Every howl sounded like a thunder. A million of thoughts came to my mind, but the only thing I could do was to cup your cheeks and looked directly into your glistening brown orbs.

It was a gratifying feeling to see you vulnerable. To me, it’s the most humane thing in the world. And it is extremely beautiful to be human.

Let me show you how affection can be your holy grail. I would excise any affliction within you. I would carve out your fear with each and every devotion as if I am indebted to you. Let me be your fixation.

And that is why broken people are enticing.

[syarochan has logged off]

Inspired by Halsey – Colors. I am unable to count how many times I put this song on repeat. I felt like writing something dark and broody, but beautiful at the same time.

Photo by: Tim Marshall

 

Fifteenth Page – How are you?

Hey, it’s been a long time.

I didn’t mean to ghost away. Sorry about that. There were things that needed to be settled first. Not that you’re not my priority but…ah shit, that’s not what I meant at all. Well, I thought you would keep your faith in me. I thought you trusted me. My disappearance was only because I need to rediscover myself. We did talk about this before, didn’t we?

I remember the way you stroke my hand and nodded in agreement. That you understand. Do you know how much I long for the chance to write to you? There were things beyond my control. I need to adjust to my new environment. Talking to new people has never been my ability. Never have I ever had to take care of myself this much. It wasn’t as easy as when I could just lay my head on your shoulder at any given time. You would listen to me, and that’s enough. Sometimes you let me know about other people’s opinion.

I miss that.

Would it hurt to start again?

[syarochan has logged off]

How I imagine writing an apologetic letter to WordPress. My relationship with WordPress is not exactly perfect.

Here’s to a new environment and a new attempt in reliving my passion.

Have a good day!

Photo by: Helloquence

Fourteenth Page – A Good Falconer Lets Go

January 2016 was a kickstart for me.

It was no new year, new me bullshit. It was a sense of urgency towards change. Realizing that I have to leave the things that keep me grounded, I decided to leave no trace of regrets. Funny how we only know what we’ve got until we (almost) lost it.

I learned an important lesson to let go. There’s a fine line between letting go and giving up. Letting go gives you a positive energy. Just like a story by Rebecca O’Connor’s,“A Good Falconer Lets Go”, which has been my favourite short story ever since High School. It tells you that sometimes to go upwards, you need to let go of the things that weigh you down. It was no joke one of the most heartwrenching decision to make.

The decision to leave my memories in here, so I can gain more knowledge outside. The decision to say what my heart wants, so I no longer bear the pain of hiding. The decision to say goodbye to the people who had created memories with me, so I can say hello to create more memories in the future. The decision to let go all of my worries, and let trust does its part.

Long story short, I’m continuing my study overseas as a study abroad program offered by my university. It was an abrupt decision and changed most of my plans, including my involvement in a certain organization. Truthfully, I am not at all prepared for this. However I have received tremendous support from loved ones, and I couldn’t ask for more.

I am (barely) a good falconer, after all.

[syarochan has logged off]

Short post is my forte, hahaha.

I just got back from a 21-day community service in a village to improve their economy and I loved it. The perks of being a business student.

Photo by: Barn Images in Unsplash.com

Thirteenth Page – Silence.

I wonder how do you go to sleep at night?

Do you take off your clothes, crawl into the bed, snug yourself comfortably between the sheets, and close your eyes as you doze off?

It’s an ideal way to sleep, I figure. But then, I wonder how do you go to sleep with a broken heart?

You’ll go to bed as usual. The bed seems inviting you to come over.

“Here, here. I won’t hurt you. Let’s go to bed.”  

You obediently lay your body as you’re told. You feel safe.

“It’s okay, everything will be okay.” 

Then, your heart aches with every breath you take. You ponder at the ways to numb the pain, so you twirl your body to the sides, left or right. It doesn’t matter because it doesn’t work anyway. It still hurts, you mutter.

You stare at the ceiling hopelessly. A train of thoughts starts running in your mind. You feel as if your head spins when it doesn’t. A sudden shiver run through your spine, which makes you pull the bedcover over your head. You think you have calmed down. You exhale loudly as your body stop shivering.

Then your mind stops running. It stops right at the very image of a figure you’ve been dying to omit from your memory. It’s just there, smiling and chuckling, as if it’s taunting you for being so weak and helpless.

Before you know it, tears start to pile up in your eyes. Small drops begin to stream down to your cheeks, leaving a trail of warmth on your skin. You sat on the bed and rest your head on your knees. Your body goes up and down in rhythm as you weep silently. The world falls silent. It’s only you and the sound of despair. It goes on for fifteen to twenty minutes before you stop crying and wipe the tears from your swollen eyes.

You go to a mirror, fix yourself, and promise it would never happen again.

And you know damn well, it would happen again.

But then you proceed to your bed, and lay comfortably as you pull up your bedcover. You feel calm again. Only then, you can sleep for good.

And that is how you go to sleep with a broken heart.

[syarochan has logged off]

I have been meaning to write what I have been feeling since the last days of December 2015. It wasn’t pretty, and it surely is the hardest thing I could ever share to anyone. No words are explanatory enough. Though, I’ll feel better in time.

I made bad, irrational, self-centered decisions lately and I would like it better if I stop.

Okay, enough with the angsty posts, self. You’re twenty already.

Photo by: Volkan Olmez

Twelfth Page – The 20s Club

How many weeks since my last post? Three? Four?

My life is as crazy as any other university kids, trying to survive the busiest semester in the entire program. In fact, I didn’t even look forward to a day when I breathed the air for the first time.

Yeah, that’s right, I almost forgot my own birthday.

If it wasn’t for my mom who reminded me of a birthday dinner the day before, if it wasn’t for the midnight ruckus when my friends suprised me with a birthday cake and “20” balloons, if it wasn’t for the sushi set with a “happy birthday” written all over them (using mayonnaise, a terrible terrible idea), if it wasn’t for all of the birthday wishes from the people I thought they just wouldn’t care, I wouldn’t have cherished that day. As cheesy as it sounds, yes I am happy.

The following days, I kept thinking about “the essence of being an adult”. I’m not legal yet, but I’m getting there.

A friend of mine asked me during that day, “How do you feel now that you’re twenty years old?”

“I feel huge responsibilities are coming at me right now,” I replied after a small pause.

So I counted a few things that I need to consider after graduating in two years: deciding whether I should continue my business project or pursuing a job vacancy, wondering how to pay my bills, bills, and more bills…I might have to start learning how to separate my disposable income and planning a savings budget. Then, there’s taxation (mind you, I extremely despise this course, my brain just cannot hold it in).

In my train of thoughts, he popped a question: “What is your wish this year, specifically?”

So. let’s not jump ahead 5 years from now. I tried to think a simplest, closest, most realistic wish I could have before this year ends.

Hmmm. 

I got it. 

“To be closer with the people who truly care and love me.”

That is my ultimate wish for 2015.

Happy holiday and happy new year.

[syarochan has logged off]

 

Thank you for the birthday cards, wishes, and videos.

Thank you for the birthday cake and a sushi set.

Thank you for the godzilla figure and a batik blouse.

Thank you for the book and a lovely note in the journal (and two stroopwafels).

Thank you.

Photo by: Ian Schneider

Eleventh Page – A damsel in distress.

Ugh.

I grimace at the thought of being vulnerable and helpless. It’s not due to female empowerment. It’s not due to the independency that every female on Earth nowadays ought to have. It’s mostly due to how much we could be a pain in the ass for anyone to save us. To save you. To save myself.

Ideally, I would like to have a quality of an “independent woman”. A woman who does everything by herself. A woman who does not need a man to be happy. A woman who strives to become better, and eventually be the best in her field. However, I realized that independency can actually backfires. Having to cope with immense workload by yourself is impossible. Through the years of involving myself in various activities, I learn how to rely on others.

There were also times where I think I acted like a damsel in distress (I shudder as I type this, pardon me), and I still do. Stress comes with vulnerability. When things get out of hand, stress swings by at my door and says ‘hello’. I feel vulnerable and helpless, and so I need a company to keep me sane. And there is one, ever since my freshman year, who keeps me company in dark times. The one who makes me feel like I need saving.

He taught me there is a time to be independent, and another time to be dependent. He allows me to depend on him. I tried not to, most of the time. I hate it when he casually says “let me help you” that it’s almost habitual.

I hate that I’m turning into a damsel in distress.

[syarochan has logged off]

Photo: Trần Quốc Dương

Sorry for the short post, for I just went through pretty rough weeks.

Unanswered questions, inexplicable feelings, questionable grades, unfinished projects, and unfinished drafts.

I’m curious at how long I can endure.